Primalsoup

Employee: The Universe
Reviewer: One human who just discovered their antidepressants aren’t strong enough
Overall Rating: Meets Expectations (barely, and only because we expected violence)

Executive Summary

Congratulations on another year of consistent underperformance. Your commitment to treating human suffering as a growth metric remains unmatched. We’d fire you, but apparently you’re union.

Core Competencies

1. Global Stability

Rating: Actively Hostile

You maintained at least six active war zones at all times, rotating them like a McDonald’s limited-time menu nobody asked for.

Tuesday was genocide.
Wednesday was famine.
Thursday was “nearly nuclear”, a phrase now used more often than “bad traffic.”

Several conflicts reached “humanitarian crisis unlocked,” which you treated like Xbox achievements.

Recommendation: Stop.

2. Climate Performance

Rating: Vindictive

The air became chewy. This is not a typo. Major cities reported AQI numbers previously associated with dystopian fiction.

Weather was delivered like a drunk DJ taking requests from demons:

• floods during droughts,
• heat domes in spring,
• hurricanes doing encores.

The planet is not a rough draft. Please stop experimenting.

Cities are underwater but still selling beachfront property. This is on you.

3. Cultural Output

Rating: Spiritually Bankrupt

Hollywood rebooted things from 2019. We are recycling nostalgia that has not had time to become nostalgic.

There are now documentaries about documentaries about murders that happened during other documentaries.

The West rediscovered yoga for the 47th consecutive year.
Turmeric became “Golden Goddess Dust.”
Breathing became a masterclass.

Fashion trends now last eleven minutes:

• Tomato Girl Summer
• Coastal Grandmother
• Feral Secretary Fall
• Beige But Make It Traumatic

By the time you understand an aesthetic, it has already been replaced by its opposite and costs more.

4. Economic Management

Rating: Satire That Writes Itself

Layoffs became seasonal events:

• Q1: “AI will streamline operations.”
• Q2: AI took all the jobs.
• Q3: Humans told to “pivot to AI.”
• Q4: AI engineers laid off by the AIs they built.

The only people with job security were nepo babies.
They are:

• automation-proof
• recession-proof
• scandal-proof
• and mysteriously always “a culture fit.”

Meanwhile:

• A bag now costs more than a car,
• a car costs more than a down payment,
• and a down payment costs more than our parents paid for their entire home, balconies and hydroponic dreams.

5. Leadership Performance

Rating: Why Are They Like This

Billionaires spent 2025:

·       buying platforms and immediately making them worse,

·       building bunkers for apocalypses they personally scheduled,

·       going to space because Earth disgusts them (relatable),

·       and treating casual interactions with other billionaires as cultural events.

They also used their influence to deliver unsolicited insights on human worth, biology, and education, declaring entire degrees irrelevant, redefining intelligence via height and lifespan, and repackaging WhatsApp-forward science as contrarian wisdom.

The internet was expected to treat these statements as “provocative,” rather than what they were: confidently incorrect ideas with excellent lighting.

Specific Incidents Requiring Immediate Attention

• You allowed basic human needs to be rebranded as “wellness experiences” and priced accordingly.
• A studio executive greenlit a gritty reboot of Bluey.
• Racism is still here. The bug report was filed in the Bronze Age. Please fix your code.
• Nuclear weapons remain accessible to men who lose arguments in the comments section.
• Someone deployed an AI therapist without guardrails, supervision, or accountability.

Goals for 2026 (We Know You Won’t Read This)

1. Breathable air: stretch goal: air with no texture
2. One month without genocide: this should not be aspirational
3. Affordable housing: or just housing, or just “inside”
4. One global crisis at a time: the fact this is unrealistic is your fault
5. No reboots of reboots: please, we are begging

360 Feedback From Humanity

“The Universe took everything that wasn’t working and said, ‘But what if we made it worse?’”

“I reported ‘Human Greed’ as a bug during the invention of agriculture. Ticket is still open. Status: ‘Won’t Fix / Feature Not Bug.’ Please advise.” 

“Universe keeps marking our prayers as ‘Read’ and not replying.”

Final Assessment

You maintained your core brand: malicious incompetence wrapped in cosmic indifference. Every KPI suggests you are trying to hurt us, not enough to kill us outright, just enough to make us wish you would.

Despite catastrophic performance, your contract has been automatically renewed for another year.

We would submit our two weeks’ notice, but there is nowhere else to go.

You have successfully created the universe’s most toxic workplace: existence.

We will reconvene next December, assuming time is still linear, calendars still function, and we haven’t been replaced by an algorithm, displaced by a climate event, or emotionally flattened by yet another “unprecedented” occurrence.

Signed,
Humanity (or what remains)

P.S. We’re not doing “new year, new me.”
We’re too tired.
You win.

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